


Honesty Panel

by aprofessorbhaer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Acephobia, Agender Character, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Canon Bisexual Character, Conventions, Fans, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hugs, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Misgendering, Napping, Nonbinary Character, Original Character(s), Queer Character, Queer Themes, Queer Youth, Reader-Insert, Swearing, Trans Character, Transphobia, Xenophobia, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-09-30 04:02:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10153256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprofessorbhaer/pseuds/aprofessorbhaer
Summary: A simple publicity panel goes in a direction that nobody expected.Featuring: danisnotonfire, AmazingPhil, jacksepticeye, and Markiplier





	1. Who's Bright Idea was this?

“Welcome to today’s panel! We’re doing things a little differently for this one: for every question that is asked, at least one panelist must answer, truthfully. Won’t that be fun?” The emcee grinned at the audience, enjoying the uproar they had caused. “However, you may not specify who will answer; you may only ask a question, and a panelist will volunteer.” 

I looked around at the people on either side of me. Everyone had varying levels of horrified expressions. Whose bright idea was this?

The first fan stepped up to the microphone. “My question is, if you had to date someone else on the panel, who would you choose?”

I sighed internally. I was on a panel with Markiplier, jacksepticeye, danisnotonfire, and AmazingPhil. Obviously, it rested with me to take this one. “My answer is, all of them.” I smiled at the fan who had asked. They looked very put out, probably having hoped for a Phan or Septiplier answer.

The emcee cleared their throat. “Remember, I said you had to answer truthfully.”

I nodded. “I know. And I did.”

Murmuring rippled through the crowd. I kept my eyes forward so I wouldn’t have to see how the other Youtubers had reacted.

The next fan stepped up. “What is your sexuality?” They were looking at me, so I decided to answer again. 

“I’m asexual.” Judging from the look on the fan’s face, that was not the answer they expected.

The emcee laughed nervously, but didn’t step in.

When the next fan stepped up, I knew I was in trouble. They were smirking as they asked “Since you’ve decided you’re fielding all the questions, don’t you think what you’re wearing is inappropriate?”

I looked down at myself, but before I could answer, Jack stepped in. “I don’t have any problem with how she’s dressed.” I could tell from his tone of voice that he was trying to be humorous, but was also uneasy.

The fan turned their smirk on Jack. “Well, you wouldn’t, would you? I’m just saying that maybe she should dress a little more modestly next time. There are girls who look up to her in the audience.”

I spoke up. “To answer your question, no I don’t think what I’m wearing is inappropriate.” I could feel Jack looking at me, but I maintained eye contact with the fan.

“Really? For a woman of your age to be walking around without a—“

“I’m not a woman.” It probably wasn’t a good idea to interrupt, but I didn’t know what else to do. I cleared my throat. “Next question.”

For a few questions after that, the panel went fairly smoothly. There was definite tension in the air from my declaration, but everyone so far had been too polite to address it. And the other YouTubers made an effort to divert attention from me, joking around with each other and laughing.

Of course, that couldn’t last. “If you’re not a woman, then what are you?”

Great, another question addressed to me. “I’m agender.” I decided to head the next question off at the pass. “It’s a gender identity under the nonbinary umbrella that means I don’t identify with any gender: male, female, something in between, or otherwise.” I cleared my throat, then plowed on. “I’m transgender, which means that I identify with a gender identity other than the one I was assigned at birth.”

There was quiet until the next question. This fan seemed shy, but they stepped up to the mic and asked with a shaky voice “What are your pronouns?”

I could feel my smile spread wide across my face as my eyes grew damp. “My pronouns are they/them. Thank you for asking.”

After that, the panel was uneventful. Well, until the end, that is.

The emcee asked us, the panelists, while we were still onstage, if we had anything to say to the fans.

“Yes. I have something to say.” The emcee looked like they had hoped I wasn’t going to be the one to volunteer this time. “The setup of this panel was not okay. I don’t know if my fellow panelists were aware of what was going to happen, but I certainly didn’t. I also don’t know whose idea it was, but I do know the only reason they knew it’d work was because my fellow panelists care so much about their fans and followers that they wouldn’t leave them hanging for a panel they committed to performing.”

I looked out at the audience. “I love you all, but none of you have a right to the privacy of your celebrities. Just because they are public figures online does not mean you get to pressure them for answers they do not want to give. They don’t owe you anything. They are performers, but foremost they are people with the same rights as you. Please treat them with respect from now on.” I lowered my microphone, and looked expectantly at the emcee. They seemed shocked that I had the nerve to do what I had just done.

I smiled cheekily at the audience, waved, and then went backstage. I needed time to recover, and I knew no one would miss me, so I headed back up to my hotel room. The panel had been the only event I was invited to participate in, so I was free to leave whenever I wanted. I decided to take a nap first, though…


	2. Idk, bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader/original character gets a surprise visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the number of hits I've gotten on this fic is wild! Thanks so much, readers! Also, y'all can thank @onceuponatimealittlekid on Tumblr for the quick(ish) update! She's been great about encouraging me, so if you like this, go and show her some love! :D
> 
> Originally, I only planned on updating my fics once a week, so I could be consistent and predictable. However, I never really know when I'll get the time, energy, or desire to write a lot, so I'm gonna just start updating whenever I can.  
> For those who're following 'New Student at Ouran', I will try to update that fic every week if I can because it has such a following! OMG!
> 
> Thanks for all the support! LOVE UUUUU! (geez I sound so annoying. oh well :)

I woke up to the sound of knocking. When it stopped, I waited, then began to get comfortable again in my bed. Unfortunately for my plans, the sound of rapping happened again, too clear to ignore or pretend that it was part of a dream. I huffed, flipping the covers off myself with more force than necessary, and rolled to the side of my hotel bed. Sitting up, I debated one last time whether I was enough of an asshole to just wait until whoever was at my door, left. I sighed: just because I had had a shit morning didn’t mean I was entitled to take it out on other people.

I finally made it to my door. Impatient to get this interaction over with so I could go back to napping, I just opened it wide instead of checking the peephole.

I probably wouldn’t have believed my eyes if I had checked, anyway. “What the hell are all of you doing here?” I blurted, eyes wide.

Mark Fischbach smiled at me, crinkles appearing in the skin around his pretty brown eyes. “Nice to see you, too, dear!” He affected offense, but his grin belied his mock tone.

I half-smiled in apology. “Sorry; I didn’t mean it like that. It’s great to see you guys, I just didn’t expect… everyone at once.” To be honest, I didn’t expect any of them at all.

Jack Mcloughlin looked shy, standing behind his American friend in the doorway. He nervously brushed his green hair out of his stunning blue eyes. “Uh, well, we actually ran inta each other on our way here. We all wanted ta see you…after what happened.”

I tensed slightly at the reminder of the panel, but tried to relax. These guys obviously meant no harm…right? “Oh. Okay. Come on in.”

I stood to the side of the open door as the four men walked into my room. Filing in, Mark added “I just wanna say, I had no idea that that was going to happen.” He turned around to face me as he said it, opting to remain standing instead of inviting himself to sit on my bed…which had obviously been used recently. 

I smiled at him. “I figured. It didn’t seem like something any of you would agree to.”

The rest of my visitors had followed Mark’s lead, and stood in a circle facing me. For the first time, Phil Lester spoke. “So, why did you go through with it, then? If you’d guessed we hadn’t planned it?” His brow was furrowed in confusion; it was totally adorable.

I shrugged. “I knew you all would-- go through with it, that is-- for your fans, and I didn’t want to leave you up there on that stage without me. The questions would’ve probably been even more brutal than they were.”

Dan Howell smiled widely, chuckling nervously. “Really? I’m not so sure. The questions you fielded were pretty brutal.”

I sighed as I recalled the multiple stunts I had pulled earlier in the day. Looking behind me, I sat down on the edge of my bed, messy covers be damned. I looked at my hands in my lap to avoid their eyes as I told them what I felt they ought to know. “I just wanna warn y’all that the majority of your fanbases are probably gonna hate me for diverting the questions. To them, I just single-handedly prevented Phan AND Septiplier from getting together IN THE SAME PLACE. Real talk, I wouldn’t be surprised if some people were hoping for a foursome.” When no one answered, I glanced up briefly, then focused back on my lap. I had obviously made them all uncomfortable. I squeezed my eyes shut in remorse. “I’m sorry, I know none of you like talking about that.”

“I dunno, I think you earned it.” Phil was looking at me with a half-smile on his handsome face.

I waved my hands around in exasperation. “But that was my whole point! Your business belongs to you and no one else! I have no say in what you do, how you live.”

Everyone was silent for a few seconds. I didn’t feel like I had anything further to say, and I’m sure the boys were trying to figure out how to lighten the heavy mood I had just conjured up.

After shifting on his feet a bit, Mark came to stand directly in front of me. “Look, you really did us a solid by doing what you did. And, it obviously cost you. Is there ANYTHING we can do for you in return?”

I let out a harsh bark of laughter. “Unless you can eradicate transphobia, aphobia, and just general xenophobia from the world, there isn’t much you can do to make this easier for me. Sorry. I appreciate the thought, though.” And I really did. 

“Make what easier?” Jack was still being more quiet than his trademark loud and yelly internet personality, but the sincerity shining in his eyes was definitely something I had seen in his videos before. That man didn’t have a dishonest bone in his body.

I shrugged one shoulder, not really sure how to be more specific. “Living. YouTubing. Being in the public eye. This is all kinda old hat for me now, really.”

“So what you’re saying is… this a common thing for you? The way the audience reacted to what you told them in there?” Dan looked hurt on my behalf, and I just wanted to hug him tightly for being so sweet. I don’t know how he believed his soul was any blacker than Phil’s.

I tried to talk nonchalantly so it’d sound like no big deal. “This was kind of a good day for me, really. No one tried to convince me that I was wrong or they know better about what I am and how I feel. I mean, it didn’t seem like they really accepted what I told them, but at least they didn’t fight it. That’s a plus. And I’m not usually asked about my pronouns so that was awesome!” My face light up at the thought of that kind-hearted fan.

“About that, I’m really sorry that I used the wrong pronouns when I was referring to ya. I just assumed, and that was a totally dick move—” Jack’s words were starting to trip over themselves the way he did when he was upset, so I decided it was a good time to intervene on his behalf.

“Dude, it’s fine. There was no way for you to know.” Unfortunately, my voice did a weird thing when I said that, because I realized that there WAS a way they all could’ve known.

“…that’s not true, is it?” Damn Phil and his observant/empathetic nature.

I thought about lying, but I decided I didn’t really have the energy for it. Instead, I leaned back on the bed and smiled to lighten my words a bit. “Well, it’s obvious that most of the audience belonged to your fandoms, because yeah, I have come out on my own channel. Sometimes it becomes an issue, but for the most part, my fans support me. I know that a lot of them are in the same boat, so it means a lot to them to see someone like me, like them, in the public eye.”

Mark ran a hand down his face, skewing his glasses a bit. “I think it’s safe to say we all feel like dicks now. If we had just PAID ATTENTION to your channel, like you obviously have for ours, then we would have been able to support you so much better in there.”

I held up my hands in protest. “Hey, I can’t expect that from all of you, so you certainly shouldn’t! You’re super busy, and your channels are much more popular than mine. Originally, I did NOT understand why I was slotted for a panel with the four of you, but after what happened, I’m guessing that I was expected to just be quiet and laugh along, like a good small YouTuber.”

Dan put a hand to his forehead in relief. “Thank God you didn’t! I love our fans, but it can all get to be a bit much.”

I chuckled lightly. “I don’t doubt it.” I threw a cursory glance at my room’s bedside clock. “Oh, shit, you guys! Y’all have another panel in ten minutes! Get your butts downstairs ‘cuz I will NOT take the blame for you being late.” I winked playfully, and the boys all laughed, but took my warning seriously and filed out. Once they were gone, I laid back down on my bed, contemplating what my next move would be. Should I stay for more events, or leave because I had no more official appearances to make?


	3. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a transition chapter. Sorry :/

I ended up leaving the convention early. I wanted to avoid the rush when everyone else left, and I also wasn’t too keen on experiencing the fans’ reactions to the panel fiasco. Most of the other YouTubers were staying longer, so my trip home was quiet. Travelling always made me a bit anxious, and doing it alone did not help at all. However, I was able to keep my mind occupied for the most part by thinking about the people I had met. Not just Dan, Phil, Jack, and Mark, but also some of the Game Grumps: Arin Hanson, Suzy Berhow, and Danny Avidan. 

I shook my head, exasperated with myself. Looking back, I really should have realized that something was up: I hadn't encountered any other non-gamers at the convention. All I did on my channel was talk about music and stuff related to the queer community. Sure, some pop culture would sneak in sometimes when I talked about representation in the media, and I played video games on my own time, but that was it. I had no connection to the convention; I guess I just didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

That train of thought was definitely not helping my anxiety. I turned the volume up on my iPod and leaned my head back, trying to drown out the thoughts swirling in my head. Luckily, the motion of the physical train I was on soothed my nerves somewhat, and I drifted into a doze for the rest of my ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing more to add as we speak, I just want to get it up as soon as possible so @once-upon-a-time-a-little-kid can read it :)


	4. Oops, I Angsted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader talks to Vesper, aka queerascat, about an upcoming convention.   
> angst happens

“Look, Vesper, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to come this time.”

Through the screen of my laptop, Vesper leveled me with a Look over their glasses. “My friend, I care about you very much, but I think staying home for this is the worst possible thing you could do.”

I fidgeted under their gaze. “It’s only been a few months since last time. Don’t YouTubers usually do conventions as an annual thing?”

Vesper scoffed. “Haven’t you heard? YouTubers do whatever they want. If that includes going to every convention they’re invited to, then so be it.”

I sighed. “V, the last convention I went to didn’t turn out so well, if you recall.”

Vesper shrugged. “I don’t know. The only reason we know each other is because the video of your panel went viral and I reached out. I’d consider that a good thing.”

I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, I would too. It IS wonderful to know another non-binary person, especially when that person is also asexual AND also a YouTuber. I just…” I trailed off, then tried again. “Things with the fans haven’t been great since the panel.”

Vesper cocked their head in confusion. “Really? But Mark and Jack both made videos to talk to their fanbases about how much they appreciate what you did. Even Dan and Phil, who try to avoid drama with their fans, mentioned that the privacy you gave them was very courteous. I can’t imagine anyone who supports them would not support what you did.”

I chuckled nervously. “Well, then, consider yourself surprised! There are still fans of any/all of them that think they know better, and I’m just part of the conspiracy to keep Septiplier and Phan a secret.”

Vesper nodded thoughtfully. “But, there are always fans like that, right? What is it that makes these people different from those you’ve dealt with from the beginning?”

I looked down at my lap, trying to figure out how to tell them. “It’s not just the other communities that have a problem with what I did. My own fans…they don’t think I was the best representation for the queer community. There’s been a lot of discussion of it online—of course there was, with those four in it—and people agree that I portrayed us…inaccurately. For one thing, I said that I’d date all of them: Jack, Mark, Phil, and Dan. And not only did that make people call me a slut, which is totally unimaginative, but it also made people say that I’m perpetuating the stereotype of queer people being promiscuous and up for anything.”

Vesper interjected before I could ramble further. “Okay, firstly, what you said didn’t MAKE anyone do anything. They CHOSE to say those things about you, which anyone who knows you well enough, including your REAL fans, can tell them are lies. Secondly, you’re polyamorous, so dating multiple people is something you’re comfortable with. You’re not the only queer person who is polyamorous.”

I shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t SAY I was polyamorous, though. I just said I’d date four guys at the same time.”

Vesper shook their head. “You don’t owe anyone that information about yourself. And anyway, you’ve said it on your channel, so your followers know you’re polyam.”

“Yes, but the people who don’t know me, who have seen the video and that’s all they have to go on, they don’t know I’m polyam!”

Vesper considered me. “Since when have you cared what those people think? You’ve been part of YouTube for a while now, and I’ve never seen you worked up like this.”

I slumped in defeat. “I care since my asexual followers have started telling me that I’m sending mixed messages; I need to pick a side because I can’t be ace and polyam. I care since my polyam followers have told me that I don’t count as polyam because I’m ace and aro, so I need to stop pretending that I am. I care since my trans followers have told me that I’m not trans because I still pass as cis. I care since my queer followers in general have started telling me that I need to stop trying too hard to be part of the community, because I obviously can’t be all the things I say I am.”

I could feel the tears pricking my eyes, and I couldn’t look at my laptop screen. “I care because all I wanted was to give the queer community the representation and validation it deserves, and all I’ve done is cause intracommunity conflict. The people who support me are being cut down by those who believe I’m just a spoiled white attention-seeker who needs to feel wronged, otherwise I have no purpose. They’re saying I’m just part of the problem, I only do YouTube and the panel to get attention and create controversy. I’m only part of the queer community because I wasn’t accepted by everyone else.”

My hands might have been shaking, but I couldn’t tell because my eyesight was too blurry. 

After a pause, Vesper spoke in a low voice. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea it was that bad. Whenever I’m on your channel, I see mostly positive feedback. And your subscriber count is going up!”

I wiped at my eyes with the sleeves of my shirt. “Yeah, I try to keep the negativity off the channel, but it still pops up, especially on Tumblr. And everyone loves drama, so more people are following to see what I’ll do next…they don’t even like me, or respect me, or value me. I’m just…entertainment. They joke about what it’ll take to break me, because I’m so damn understanding all the time. They don’t know how broken I already am.”

Suddenly, I straightened up. I tried to smile. “Sorry about that, I guess I haven’t really talked about it with anyone before. Anyway, I have to go now. But thanks for listening! Bye!” Before Vesper could protest, I ended the call. Turning off my laptop so I wouldn’t be disturbed, I laid down on my bed and curled up, suddenly exhausted. I guess having an emotional breakdown really takes it out of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all don't already know queerascat, check them out on YouTube and Tumblr! They're awesome and informative and very nice about me writing them as a character :D It was SO MUCH FUN to write a canon non-binary person who EXISTS IN REAL LIFE.


	5. Decision Reached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader/original main character makes their decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very short and I apologize.

After I slept, I realized with a heavy heart that Vesper was right: the only thing worse than attending the convention would be avoiding it. I may not be the best representative of the greater queer community, online or otherwise, but at least my presence would practically guarantee coverage and publicity. After all, everyone wanted to see what had become of the crazy, obnoxious attention-seeker who had single-handedly cock-blocked two of the most popular gay ships on YouTube. It definitely wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for me, at least not entirely, but I owed it to my fans and followers to seize any reasonable opportunity I could to give our community a voice in mainstream media. I had always preached, from the inception of my channel, that the best way to defeat stigma and ignorance was to talk, openly and civilly.

Besides, this would probably be the last invitation I’d ever get for a YouTube convention: my new popularity would fade once the novelty died down, and I would return to my small niche of the internet. I might as well go while I still could, and hopefully meet fans and other YouTubers, maybe even make friends like I had with Vesper…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really sorry this is so short! I have no time to write right now, but I still wanted to add something this week. Thank you to all my readers! Thank you for following this story!   
> Another obstacle is that I'm in the process of getting permission to possibly include more awesome people in my story (like Vesper, aka @queerascat on YouTube and Tumblr!), because I REALLY wanna write them in but they have to be okay with it.  
> Thank you for your saintly patience :)


	6. Interview? What Interview?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Limelight is stressful and should be avoided.

“Hey, look who it is!” I turned around, not because I thought whoever had spoken was talking to me, but because I thought I recognized the voice…

Holy shit. It was Shane Dawson.

He walked up to me, slinging an arm across my shoulders with a big smile on his face. “How’s the queer of the hour doing?”

Ideally, this was where I would have responded with a witty reply. Instead: “You’re Shane Dawson.”

Shane sighed in mock-exasperation. “You were on a panel with Markiplier, jacksepticeye, danisnotonfire, and AmazingPhil. Shouldn’t you be immune by now?”

I huffed, losing a bit of my awe (thankfully for my vocabulary). “Yeah, but…I really look up to you.”

Shane clasped a hand to his chest dramatically. “You mean, MORE than those guys? I’m flattered. Your channel seemed too clean for ME to be an inspiration.”

I ducked my head. “The guys are awesome, but…your coming out video really helped me find the courage to be open about my own identity. And your videos about depression and suicide…the queer community has a high incidence of mental health issues. I really respect you talking about that stuff, and I know it means a lot to people who wouldn’t feel supported or heard otherwise. You don’t sweep anything under the rug.” Then the last thing he said caught up to me, and I looked up at him in surprise. “How do you know about my channel?”

Shane scoffed. “C’mon. After that video of you went viral, there probably isn’t a YouTuber who hasn’t checked out who you are, at least cursorily. And I know that the queer part of YouTube knows all about you.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “It’s ridiculous, right? Nobody knew who I am, and now I’m getting invited to conventions after one video goes viral.”

Shane shrugged. “That’s how it goes sometimes. Just ask Rebecca Black.”

I snorted. “Yeah, and it turned out so well for her.”

“Touché.” 

 

Shane proceeded to show me around the convention, pointing out different YouTubers with colorful commentary that always made me laugh despite my better judgement.  
He was in the middle of describing exactly what sexcapades would be happening if HE was in charge of the convention when I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Excuse me? Are you LetMeBeQueer?”

I turned around to answer that yes, that was my channel name, but I found that I couldn’t speak. Next to me, Shane groaned in annoyance. “Really? Again? Isn’t it getting old?”

I blinked, trying to make my brain work. “You’re AmeliaAce.”

The person in front of me smiled. “Yes, that’s me. And you are?”

I shook my head to clear it. “Sorry! Yes, I’m LetMeBeQueer, that’s my channel. Uh, what can I do for you?”

Before Amelia could answer, Shane cut in with a question. “Why does Amelia get a bigger reaction than I did? I’m feeling much less special than I was before!”

I rolled my eyes. “Amelia is basically how I realized I was asexual. That’s a big deal, okay?”

Amelia seemed amused by our exchange. “I’m so glad to hear that I helped. I was wondering, though: are you not planning on doing your panel?”

“Uh. What?”

“You know: the panel you have in ten minutes? The follow-up to your panel that went viral? Has it been cancelled?”

My heart tightened in my chest. “I don’t know about any panel I have scheduled for today. Would you mind…taking me there?”

Amelia looked concerned, but she nodded anyway. “Of course not. It isn't far, so we should get there in time just fine.”

 

I got to the stage just in time for the emcee to introduce me. They spotted me in the audience, and their face betrayed shock before they smiled and beckoned me forward. “It appears that LetMeBeQueer has decided to grace us with their presence. Why don’t you come up so we can do this interview properly?”

With my heart pounding, I walked up the stairs to the stage and took the microphone I was offered. I gripped it tightly, then smiled as believably as I could at the emcee. “Sorry I’m late.” I thought about mentioning I hadn’t be informed of the panel, but decided against it. I didn’t need to add any drama to the situation, and I doubted I would be believed anyway. 

“Oh, it’s no problem. We’re all friends here, right?” The emcee gestured to the audience, which cheered mildly.

“Now, let’s get down to business, shall we? This is a follow-up interview to the last panel—well, the only panel—you were a part of. A lot of people have questions; why don’t we answer some of them?”

I nodded. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

“All right. First, how about you tell me and all the lovely people here what you meant when you said you would date, and I quote, ‘all of them’, when referring to Markiplier, jacksepticeye, danisnotonfire, and AmazingPhil?”

I smiled like what he had said was funny. “I think my answer was kinda self-explanatory.”

The crowd tittered while the emcee looked slightly annoyed. “Dating four people at once isn’t exactly common.”

I shrugged. “I’m polyamorous, so I’m open to dating multiple people at the same time.”

The emcee cupped their chin to simulate deep thought. “But didn’t you also say you’re asexual? How can you be asexual AND polyamorous?”

I clenched my teeth briefly in irritation. “Being asexual just means that I don’t feel sexual attraction. That doesn’t mean I can’t date, or be polyam.”

“But what’s the point of dating if you’re not going to have sex?”

I gripped the microphone more tightly. “I never said that I wasn’t going to have sex. I said that I don’t feel sexual attraction. I can still have sex if I want to.”

“But what’s the point? If you’re not attracted to anybody, why have sex?”

I’m sure some of my incredulity showed on my face. “Because sex is pleasurable.” 

The emcee looked exasperated with my answer. “If you can have sex anyway, what’s the point of calling yourself asexual? Why does it matter?”

I couldn’t keep the all the anger out of my voice. “Because that’s what I am.”

The emcee seemed to realize they had overstepped somehow, because they chuckled in an attempt to lighten the sudden tension. “Okay, well, let’s move on to the next question you were asked: was your outfit inappropriate?”

I tried to reign myself in. “No, it wasn’t.”

The emcee didn’t say anything for a few seconds, probably looking for an acceptable way to say ‘but you weren’t wearing a bra and that’s a no-no for people with boobs!’. Finally, they gave up. “How about you expand on your answer to the next question, then?”

That genuinely confused me. “I thought I already explained that one pretty well at the time.”

The emcee smiled, encouraged by my lack of belligerence. “You could tell the audience how you realized you were transgender. What were the signs?”

“…The signs?”

“Yeah! What made you decide that you’re not a woman?”

I felt the gears in my head stop turning. “I didn’t decide to not be a woman. I’m not a woman because I don’t FEEL like a woman.”

The emcee gestured to the audience. “Could you define it better for us, please?”

I tried to hold on to my control. “That’s how you know you’re transgender: you feel transgender. You don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth. I can’t explain it any better than that.” 

The emcee smiled indulgently. “All right, but you have the body of a woman, so how—”

“I don’t have the body of a woman. I have the body of a nonbinary person.”

“Your gender may be nonbinary, but physically and biologically speaking, your anatomy is female.”

“No, it isn’t.”

The emcee grimaced at my difficulty. “Look, there’s a difference between sex and gender: you’re born with your sex, but—”

“There IS a difference between sex and gender, but they’re both made-up. People think that sex is binary, men have penises, prostates, while women have vaginas, uteruses and breasts. But that’s just not true. People can have many different combinations of those sex characteristics: those people are called intersex.”

“Okay, but genetically speaking—”  
“We’re not limited to XY or XX, either. There are people out there who have two Xs and a Y, just as an example.”

“But they’re the exception! I respect your transgender identity, but you have to admit that you were born female!”

I was starting to feel detached from the whole situation. How much longer could I keep going? “No. I don’t have to admit that. I lived as a woman for most of my life, but that was because I didn’t know I could do anything else. I didn’t know being not a woman was an option for me.”

“So you admit, you chose to be transgender!”

I stared open-mouthed, speechless with shock for long seconds. “Why would I choose to be transgender? Why would I choose to be something that people feel entitled to test me on? To question me, to presume to know me better than I do? Why would I choose to be marginalized, and rejected, and ignored by most of society? Please, tell me.”

The emcee held up their hands in a ‘take it easy’ motion. “Hey, you’re being pretty transphobic right now. I’m gonna have to call you out on it.”

I smiled wanly at them, then turned to the audience. “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit through this interview anymore. I have to go. Thank you for your time.” I stood up, leaving my microphone behind me, and exited the stage while the audience chattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers,  
> I am SO SORRY for the delay since my last update. Exams, finals, and projects are coming up for me in school, and a lot has been going on in my life recently outside of school as well. I know I said I'd be trying to update weekly, and I will continue to try, but unfortunately it may not happen. Especially because I have more unfinished series on here than I realized, and I ask for permission before I write about certain people.
> 
> To my peeps following this story: thank you, thank you SO MUCH! I am BLOWN AWAY by the number of hits this fic has! I hope y'all are enjoying it; I will update when I can.
> 
> Check out AmeliaAce on YouTube or @ameliaace on Tumblr, she's awesome and informative, like Vesper (queerascat)! I'm really happy that she's cool with me writing her into this fic!
> 
> Love ya!


	7. Taking it Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas Sanders joins the cast because I love him and it works for the plot lol

God fucking dammit. Why couldn’t I just sit there for the rest of the panel? Leaving early wasn’t fair to the people who came to see it. But I really was drained. I honestly didn’t think I could take any more of those questions right then. So what should I do?

I felt a light weight on one of my shoulders. Turning around, I was met with…Thomas Freaking Sanders. If I had had the energy, I would’ve been awestruck with meeting another role model, especially one so good-looking. As it was, I simply waited for him to speak.

“Hi, I’m Thomas. I hope I’m not bothering you, but I was in the audience for your panel and I wanted to make sure you’re all right.”

I smiled faintly. “Thanks for the thought. I wish I could say that I’m totally fine, but I don’t really feel like lying, so…”

Thomas nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, I figured it was kind of a silly question. What just happened up there on stage…it wasn’t okay.”

I shrugged. “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. And honestly, I’m starting to think that’s just gonna be the way things are for me.”

Thomas grimaced. “Well, I certainly hope not! Is there anything I can do to help?”

I chuckled to myself, remembering Mark Fischbach asking me a very similar question the last time I made a spectacle of myself. I still couldn’t think of a good answer. “I just want some time away from the crowds, I think.” And time before I had to face the consequences of my cut-short interview.

“I have a panel later today, but the space isn’t being used right now if you want to go hang out there.”

I tried to alleviate his concern. “You really don’t have to give up your time for me, Thomas. I can deal with this on my own. I have before.”

Thomas slid his hands into his pockets, looking almost shy. “It’s no trouble, really. I actually don’t know many people here very well, so I wouldn’t mind the company. Without you, I’d probably just end up on my phone by myself until my panel.”

I was sure he was just being nice to me, but I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to spend time with him. It’s not like I’d get the chance ever again, especially after news of my most recent interview broke. It was selfish, but I decided to use my five seconds of fame for something I actually wanted before I faded back into obscurity. “Okay. You’ve convinced me.”

Thomas smiled, giggling like I was the one doing him a favor. How was someone like him even real?

 

Once we got to our destination, I decided it was only fair to lead with anything that might scare him off. Namely, my ‘obsessive fan’ love. He seemed too kind to abandon me, but if he showed any signs of discomfort, I could make my excuses and leave him alone. In fact, I could probably leave the convention at any time, considering that it appeared the only reason I had been invited was for the publicity and drama.

I drank from the water bottle he had given me to stall for time, but that only worked for so long. “Thomas?”

He looked up at me, attention undivided. I looked back down at my hands, overwhelmed temporarily. “I just wanted to say…that your channel means a lot to me.”

Thomas smiled widely. “Aw, thanks! I’m so glad you enjoy it!”

I glanced back up at him, trying to find the courage for all the things I wanted to tell him. “It’s not just that, though your channel is great for laughs. I mean…your activism on behalf of the queer community. You might not see yourself as an activist, I guess, but to me, you are. You live your life as a bisexual man unashamedly. You don’t make it into a big deal, but you still draw attention to the challenges we continue to face. Representation really does matter, and I know that being a young adult questioning my sexuality and then my gender was definitely made easier by seeing you online. Even before I knew I was queer, your refusal to perpetuate heteronormativity and cisnormativity was a light in the dark of the mainstream humor I saw everywhere else. You didn’t take the easy way, but you also didn’t pretend to be the savior of our community or speak over people. You’re a great ally because you’re always open to learning more about other identities. And the first time I heard you mention ‘nonbinary pals’ in your sign off…I nearly cried. Your videos are still the only place I can go to where I’m represented casually.”

I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. “I hope I haven’t made you uncomfortable. I know you’re super humble and you think people give you more credit than necessary for the community around you—”

I was interrupted when someone suddenly hugged me. I was grateful for the end of my babbling, but it was a few seconds before I able to hug back. Thomas Fucking Sanders was hugging me!

I expected the hug to be brief, but it carried on long enough for me to actually relax into it. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged me for more than a few seconds. I wondered if Thomas somehow knew, because when he finally ended it, he maintained contact instead of stepping away fully. 

He beamed (no other way to describe it). “I’m sorry for interrupting you, but you were being so nice that I had to hug you. I’m so glad that I could help! You’re right: representation is really important. That’s why I’m so excited for your popularity! People who have never had a voice before are getting a chance to speak through you! It’s so amazing to watch.”

I shook my head. “All I’ve been doing is answering questions while trying to hold on to my temper. Not what I’d call amazing.”

Thomas shrugged. “Well, I wouldn’t call making silly videos for a YouTube channel amazing, either. It can still mean a lot to people.”

I felt my face heat up at the reminder of my speech. “I just wanted to tell you what you’ve done for me while I still had the chance. Before all this drama dies down and I go back to my little corner of the internet.”

Thomas looked thoughtful. “I wouldn’t count on that if I were you. You might be surprised.”

I snorted. “Damn right I’d be surprised. YouTube doesn’t need one more vlogger yelling at the camera.”

“We’ll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long delay (again). Considering my mental health, I can't promise to post on a schedule like I did before. School is out for the summer, but now I'm at home and that comes with its own issues. Thanks for reading and sticking with me. I hope you've enjoyed it.   
> I'm sorry if this chapter isn't up to snuff; for my peace of mind, I needed to post something.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, readers! I have no idea where to take this next: do any of y'all have suggestions for LGBT+ YouTubers I could introduce? big-time, small-time, in-between. If they're not public figures, I would like to be able to contact them and ask for their consent to be in my fic. For example, I did that for @queerascat and @ameliaace, but not for Thomas Sanders because he's pretty well-known.  
> I'm not holding this fic hostage until you answer me lol, I plan to update with or without suggestions, but it would probably happen quicker with help. This is also your opportunity to simply recommend me LGBT+ YouTubers to check out, regardless of appearing in this fic or not.  
> Thanks for your time! Love ya,  
> the author


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